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Am sitting on the floor at Glenny's house...typing into the laptop...getting my daily dose of internet access...trying hard to not be pissed off at all men...just the ones I do have reason to be pissed off at... I'm not the same bitter person I was last night, while watching tv until the wee hours of the morning in a lonely hotel room, with only my own thoughts, a paperback, the television, a notebook and a cell phone for company. I had thought about buying a laptop during this trip, so that I could have some way of communicating with the outside world, but I changed my mind and decided not to put myself more into debt hell. It would appear that I have wasted my time this trip...the only thing to happen thus far was that I got to hang out with Glenny today. David contacted me by IM on Saturday to tell me that he had been sent to Texas by his company (drove by the company today on the way to Glenny's house...it's quite large and impressive looking) and he would be there until next Thursday. To say that I was shocked and upset would be a bit of an understatement. I schemed my ass off to make the trip happen... and, now, it would appear it was all for nothing. And I rated nothing more than a chance meeting online and a "oh, btw, I'm in Texas and I'll be back Thursday". Yes, I do feel like shit...thanks for asking. So, anyhow, Mike had offered to be my backup plan...I ran into him on Friday and I told him that I was going to be travelling up. But, that seems to have also fallen by the wayside as I didn't give him enough lead time to lay down groundwork for a 3some with his gf. And, I couldn't get in touch with him. This is a sign from God or someone higher up on the food chain telling me that I need to stop...or seek professional help...or something. I'm over it...I'm over men who cannot seem to realize that I cannot mind read and that I take things said to me at face value. I'm over men who make half-assed promises with no intention of following through. I'm over being emotionally blackmailed by men. I realize that I have inherent character flaws...I realize that I fall in quickly and deeply...I realize that there is a logical segment of my mind screaming that whatever I'm heading for is too good to be true... yet I ignore it because I keep thinking that my emotional armour is strong enough...and that my bs detector is functioning correctly when it isn't...or I'm so deep into denying it that the readouts don't matter. Well, c'est la vie and all that rot. Time to pick myself up and brush myself off and try to figure out what I am going to do next. I cannot keep playing games with myself...and I cannot keep allowing others to play games with me. I'm don't want to end up a hardened cynic about it all... I think there are enough of those in the world. How utterly depressing and boring... maybe I should just stop writing altogether... |