Still alive, still here...going into "survival mode"...which I never fully understood until this past year. Funny thing is that I keep slipping in and out of it...when I allow myself to think that I can live with what I have now...and be relatively happy...or a reasonable facsimile thereof. But, that's not true...and I know that life can be better than it is now...but I cannot seem to make myself fully believe that...so, for now I exist in a manner that does not call too much attention to myself...enjoying the moments of true happiness that come along and trying very hard not to get hurt anymore than I already have been. I'm not a wounded bird...crying my sorrows to the world in the hopes of being saved...I'm way past salvation anyhow...nor do I need a savior or knight in shining armour.

What am I? A hopeless romantic in a world that doesn't tolerate such whimsy...well padded with scars from past endeavors gone wrong and hard lessons learned most painfully. I am the chronicler of my own descent into whatever I am still becoming. I am me.

I am giving up the booty calls...the end result versus the energy expended is not equitable. Plus, I don't have the time or energy to give to that. I'm not sure where I stand with Don. I am two minds about him...I feel one way when we are together...and completely different when we are apart. He affects me more than I thought he would...but there is no future in what we are doing...nothing beyond momentary gratification...I can't fool myself into thinking there's anything more.

So, where does that leave me? Mostly confused...and on a very short tightrope...and not willing to take anyone's help or advice or anything else. Why do I allow myself to continue being so sad inside? Maybe because that's all I think I know now...or because I really don't think I can be happy...or because that's what I deserve. These are just the random thoughts going through my head...soon they'll be gone and I'll have new things to worry about, I'm sure...lucky me.


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