My own deadline approaches...one I boldly stated to Glenny more than a month ago...for when I would start "the process"...and tell my husband of my desire to end our marriage. But, yet, as the deadline approaches, I am having doubts and second thoughts and all those things that a woman on the verge feels.

I look at them and feel guilt...mostly over what I think I will be depriving them of...each other's company...then I wonder if my own happiness is worth it if it comes at the price of their 24/7 (figuratively speaking, of course) access to each other...but, then the hubby does something that he thinks and truly believes to be the all my bad and none of his own possible over-reaction (he chastized me last night for being on the cell phone while he was on the phone...we'll forget the fact that I was on the cell phone well before he answered the landline in the bedroom... plus the fact that he said something like "I can't hear!" in a rather annoyed tone...so I left and told the person I was on the phone with that my hubby was having problems hearing. He complained that when I'm on the cell phone I am "rude" to everyone around me and totally lose perspective...oh, okay...whatever). This can't be good, right? I mean, it's statistically impossible for me to always be the "bad person"...the "wrong one"...right? I think I was trained to think about pleasing the other so much that I lost myself, my identity while trying to be what he wanted...and, now I'm back...in my own skin...self aware and resenting where I am now...so, I must go...

Fiscally speaking, this is not a good time...I don't have any money saved... but, then, when would it be "a good time"...it's almost like having a child...unless one is obscenely rich, there's never a "good time" to have a kid...it just happens...so will my divorce...but I will make definite steps towards preparing for it while the hubby and the son are gone on their little jaunt up North...without me... thank goodness...I don't think I could stand having to do the hypocritical 24/7 thing of "oh, yeah,I'm happy to be here with you bigots...NOT"...still, I feel bad about sending my son into that...but he's still way too cute for anyone to be anything but kind to him...I hope.

Okay, another work day begins...


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