|
|
|
Written on Monday, 17 Nov 2003: Sunday, November 16, 2003 Friday night, husband came to pick son and me up from my parents' house and took us to a hotel off I-95. Everything at that time seemed okay. He seemed genuinely glad to see us and gave our son a new stuffed tiger to replace the jaguar that was stolen from our van. Our son loved it and decided to call it "Tony" and proceeded to sing what he could remember of the Frosted Flakes commercials. It was cute and something we could both smile about. We watched KIKI'S DELIVERY SERVICE on the laptop, ate late night McDonalds, then went to bed. At approx. 11:35, I hear husband get up, go to the bathroom and start dressing. I ask him what's going on. He says that he's decided to drive back to WPB with our son...tonight. I freaked out and immediately started crying...angry with myself for having been suckered into giving him the opportunity to do this to me. He said that he couldn't trust me...because I had admitted that the refurbished laptop I had just bought was purchased with the paid vacation days that my job gave to me when I quit. He started talking about the trip to Philly and how I had lied to him and told him that I didn't have enough days to take off for the trip. I told him that I had told him that because I knew that my job wouldn't allow me to take that many days off due to lack of staff. He sort of calmed down, but the next two hours became a sort of self-therapy session full of crying and bad memories and some good memories and two more threats to leave for WPB with our son. He admitted that he'd seen a lawyer. He admitted that the lawyer had read the letter I had left behind. And, he admitted that he had not shown that letter to his therapist. He had me packing all our crap and preparing to leave. Then, for whatever reason, he changed his mind...I am not sure anymore if I had done anything specific to help him change it...but I was pretty drained by the entire experience. I kept screaming at myself inside even as I was trying to remain calm...I was so mad by my own ability to believe his lies and my own to myself...thinking that he would have changed that much in just five days. He was still the same person, revising history to his own advantage while continuing to deny any culpability or responsibility for his own actions. His newest scapegoats are his parents. He hates them so much, yet he acts so much like them. They are a family of grandiose gestures...actions often done for the sole purpose of getting a response or rise out of the other person...or, even more insidious than that, done for the purpose of consciously or subconsciously manipulating the other person into doing whatever is desired through the pushing of known "buttons" and a combination of threats, bribery and outright blackmail. He kept talking about a contract...he kept making promises...he kept asking for a second chance to show me he was a better man who could change. All the while, he had already shot his wad with his "I'm leaving and taking the boy with me because I cannot trust you anymore" action. What am I supposed to believe? He asked me not to put words in his mouth...then, within five minutes, he tried to put words in mine...I called him on it and he was shocked to have been called on it...mostly because he did not realize that he was doing it...sort of put his own righteous indignation act off track. He was supposed to share a double bed with our son while I slept in the other bed...but the son kept moving around and was getting too close to the edge of the bed, so I joined them on the other side...but the bed was too small so he moved to where I was supposed to be sleeping. We slept, from 3am to 7am. The next day, he acted if our chaos had healed everything...he made overtures of affection and comments about our future together as a family. It grated on my nerves but I held my tongue...and promised myself for the umpteenth time that I would not allow myself to be trapped in that position again...meanwhile watching my son appreciate his father and vice versa. That evening, we headed back to my parents' house. He asked me to ask my parents if he could sleep on the couch. I called my dad and he said that it would be ok. We got to the house and had dinner while waiting for my parents to get home. When they did, neither of my parents rushed over to greet him or confront him...so he started with his "woe is me, your parents hate me" routine and huddled on the armchair in the living room, waiting to be recognized or paid attention to. My mother finally put him out of his misery and talked to him...and he started crying and stating his case for why we should stay married. My mother was very compassionate and explained that I was the only one who'd be deciding my course of action as far as the marriage. That's not what he expected or hoped for...he wanted her to agree to take his "side"...and the fact that she did not just made him more upset. So, he had to leave...and I offered him the option of taking our son for five days if he wanted to...he wanted so he did and that was pretty much the end of that story. Our son is pretty perceptive for a four and a half year old. He told me that his daddy was lonely so he was going to go live with his daddy and I could stay and live with his grandma and grandpa. I love my son. Just finished talking with them on the phone. Seems they had a good day together and I'm glad for them. Once again, he started with the "I want you to come home" and "I want us tobe a family again" talk. But he just cannot accept that I don't want that...but, it's never been about my wants or needs or desires. |