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There is still this large gaping hole where my heart used to reside...all my energy, all my happiness, all my desire to care or give a damn...all being drained steadily by my daily conversations with the husband. He insists that he loves me...he calls me the "love of his life"...then he turns right around and threatens me with a battle for the custody of our son, he calls me names like "sick, sad little woman" and says he cannot trust me. It's a rollercoaster ride now...where all I can do is keep my head above the water and pray that someone rational outside the relationship will be able to get us both to realize why we continue to hurt each other. I'm so tired of it all now. And, I'm beginning to look to others to reaffirm that I'm still sane. I'm floundering in the helplessness I'm beginning to feel. I thought I would be able to reach out to Ozzie, but my own fear of ruining that and my fear that he is not as interested in me as I am in him...well, those keep me at bay. Although, tonight, I did confess that I was greatly attracted to him...I think I might have caught him off guard. I miss my little boy. He cried for me tonight...on the phone. I will see him in "two sleeps"...that's how he counts days...by the "sleeps" of the night... cute, no? Anyhow, he is probably missing me a lot...I know I miss him at least as much. Husband threatened to tell our son that his mommy didn't love his daddy. I told him that it wasn't fair to pull that crap and that we needed to attend a class. He wants 30 days...I think that if I go back...he will find a way to prevent me from leaving...ever. I don't want that. I'm exhausted...combination of lack of sleep and the sex today and the crying of the evening and the post depression of expressing my attraction to Ozzie. This is beginning to be rediculous...maybe tomorrow things will look much better...at least, I can hope so. |