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It's been ages, I know...so much chaos going on inside me...which I am not dealing with still, even though I make promises to Glenny and my family that I'm dealing with them. The reality is that I'm overwhelmed with the future that I'm imagining for myself. The many meetings with attorneys, the emotional guilt trips I'll be sent on, the continual doubts that come from trying to second guess myself, the loneliness and the frantic search to fill the loneliness, the driving lessons and job searches. It's all too much. So I retreat and procrastinate and continue to claim that everything is ok and I'm dealing with it and I am coping. When the sad truth is that I'm barely holding on. So, instead, I go out and seek physical affirmation that I'm still desirable. Kinda sucks that I can realize this...and yet, I do it. But, that's me...probably demented. So, here I am...never left alone long enough to really figure out what I'm doing. Each day I have at least one phone call with my son and my husband, both reminding me of how it used to be, how it could be again. And there is me, too stubborn to go back, too unwilling to think that things could actually change, too fearful to think that they could. I didn't want to be the bad person in this, I didn't want to be the "heartless bitch" that I'm sure I'm being perceived as by some people. Yet, that's the role that seems to have been allotted to me. This sucks. At least I no longer suffer under the illusion that Ozzie could've been someone special for me. He has dropped the conversation ball one too many times...and, before he had time to come back and give me a good reason why he hasn't been in touch, I left the scene, with a really short goodbye for him. He knows that not answering my offlines or phone calls drives me crazy...makes me worry and doubt my importance to him. But, now I'm accepting the truth for what it is...and I walked away for the third and final time. What else is there to do? I sure as hell cannot pine away for someone I've never met in person...someone who doesn't seem to care about how I feel. Enough is enough and I've had my fill. So, I move on, fighting the downward spiral into complete and utter apathy. I will continue the illusion that I'm okay, that I'm strong, that I'm not feeling anything...because that's what makes those around me comfortable. Heaven forbid that I should offend anyone. People tell me that I'm grieving the end of my marriage. I guess I am. I am not sure anymore. a I need to move out of my parents' house. Much as they love me, they are not really helping the situation too much. I'm being smothered by their concern and feeling antsy at the same time. I need a car...and a license, I'm sure. I need a job...am thinking about just doing the buckshot method with the job thing then just moving to where ever I end up working. I am probably blowing smoke out my ass now...am not sure anymore. But, this is what I'm feeling...not pretty, but definitely truthful. It's definitely fucked right now...my life, that is. |