Ok, I'm here right now...after having told someone where to find my journal... so I guess I might as well update so that I don't get a demanding email from Glenny or Sherri.

Just finished having a good conversation with Brad from SC... he is someone I had chatted with in the past and didn't really think I would have much to do with, mostly because he's in SC and I'm here. Yet, the other day he and I had an interesting IM conversation that turned into a phone call over an hour long and now another phone call over an hour long. He had unexpected depth to him and that's exciting, in addition to the other stuff we've been talking about... but I digress.

This is meant to be a recap about Christmas. The husband wasn't planning on coming up or bringing our son up for the day. He cited that he didn't have money for gas and our son wasn't interested in coming up to visit his grandparents. Well, he finally said that he would be coming up and that he would be uncomfortable but he'd do it. There was an entire side issue about him wanting to originally spend Christmas night on the couch in the tv room and my father saying that he'd let him but that the husband had to keep a shirt on at all times. Husband got offended by the change in "rules" and decided that they would just drive up and then drive back down the same day.

Anyhow, Christmas Eve was spent with my sisters, who took forever to get their stuff together, but to their credit, they also had to work that day. We drove to my parents' house and while I wrapped last minute presents, my sisters sang karaoke and my parents got ready to leave early for church so they could warm up with the rest of the choir. After mass we went home and opened up our presents to each other. It was fun and I held back on the presents that my son and I had picked out for them.

Christmas morning was spent just hanging out...I was still crocheting a blanket that I'm working on for someone else...husband and son made it to the house right before we sat down to dinner. Husband acted like he couldn't sit down to dinner with everyone and he originally said that he was going to not [lol...little reality for you...I just got bumped offline...am continuing this in wordpad and will cut and paste later on] eat or anything else...he did change his mind and he sat down with us. Dinner didn't go as badly as I thought it was going to...everyone was civil and we were soon finished...we had roast pork instead of the semi-traditional turkey.

Husband took photos with the digital camera of our son opening his presents and also of him giving out his gifts to his grandparents and his aunts. I managed to download those onto my computer before they left and I will probably make a photo album or at least some pages for someone's photo album. After that was done, they stayed so that my son could spend time with me while his dad slept. Then, my son decided that he needed to go home so he could play with his new software and he asked his dad to take him home. So, off they went.

I'm almost dead now...in my feelings towards my husband. He tries so hard to manipulate me into returning. Using our son, using what he thinks is my guilt, my desire to not be "outed"as a bisexual...he claims to have shown his "lawyer" the materials he's come across -- printouts of transcripts and photos that he oohed and ahhed over as well -- while going through the crap I left behind. When I ask him for the name of his lawyer, he refuses to tell me who it is. He still thinks there is hope...he keeps asking me to come back for marriage counseling...in between his threats and his accusations that I'm a bad mother. His behaviour towards me is erratic...I am not sure yet if he intentionally does it to keep me off guard or if he's just that unstable right now.

He's still seeing a therapist. I am not sure if she's helping. Apparently the current theory is that he was such a bully because I was so passive and non-committal and unresponsive to his requests for feedback that he had to "take charge" and make all the decisions. There you go. It's my fault, apparently, that he's a bully.

The one thing I long for above all else is something that he cannot ever offer to me again...the feeling of security and safety. I'm so afraid to let anyone in and so afraid that I am really the faulty individual who cannot be in a relationship without losing myself in the other person. Sometimes I think I'm just thinking crap and that I am so caught up in my inner drama.

Then, there's my son. Who seems to be taking this all in pretty good stride...I feel such emmense guilt over the fact that I am not there for him right now. But, there is that one rational brain cell that's still working that realizes that it is probably best that he's not here right now. It distresses him to see me cry. He thinks the solution is so simple. All I need to do is love his daddy again...and tell him what would make me happy after his daddy hits me. My heart breaks...for so many little reasons...I can't cry in front of people, it distresses them...and I realize that it doesn't really solve anything...because no one else can do anything for me at this point. I have to face my own life and try to survive this. And pray that someday my son will understand what I've done...will forgive me for what I've done...which is basically allowing my desire to try to be truly happy override his own need for a complete family.

I don't like the role I have in this drama...I'm basically the bitch/irresponsible wife/bad mother/selfish person who can't even "try" to salvage the marriage through marriage counseling. The truth is, I don't see the purpose in it. I don't love him anymore. He cannot accept that...and anything I do that hints of consideration or common curtesy he immediately interprets as "oh, she really wants to come back to me, she just doesn't know how, let me pressure her again." I am beginning to think that he's just trying to wear me down...if he asks enough, he'll get what he wants....that I'll get tired of the unknown and come back to him. I think that he's afraid of several things...he claims that he doesn't want to be a "weekend dad" so he is prepared to sling as much mud as possible to ensure that I'm the unfit parent and he gets complete custody. And, I think he's also afraid of being a single dad...and that he might enjoy that role too much.

We are so far apart now...we've both said so many bad things to each other that the slate cannot ever be cleaned between us. And, I'll admit it, I cannot forgive him for some of the shit he's pulled on me. And, I know he cannot either. Which leaves us with a handicapped relationship that we'll never be able to entirely mend. I won't even go into the physical fear I still keep locked away in a tiny part of my heart.

So, anyhow, the conversation I had today has unlocked this desire to write again. I hope it will last. I just finished crying through the second half of writing this. Not bawling or anything, but loud enough for my mom to come check in on me and make sure that I was ok. They're so incredibly supportive, but still unsure about how to deal with me sometimes. My crying distresses them as well. I am embarrassed when I do cry, but sometimes it just gets to be too much...there's nothing else I can do...but the crying calms me...which is weird and something for further examination someday.


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