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It's gone...I fully realize that now...and I'm not sure whether to laugh or cry over it all...I am in love with no one...and it saddens me. I've come to realize that online relationships can only give me a sense of agape love for the other person...I will conceed that I lust for certain people to some degree or another...but I am not in love with anyone...nor is anyone in love with me. I'm not sure yet if it's that something inside me has broken beyond repair or if I'm just trying to save myself from anymore hurt by retreating. Either way, this mini-epiphany is almost too much to bear...but I will, of course...because I'm stubborn that way...I will continue to exist... only because I don't know how not to... beyond the obvious...and I think that ultimately I'm not selfish enough for that...yet. Thus ends my pity party... So, points of interest are as follows: 1. my hands smell of bleach..."why?" you ask. Well, last summer, we had a little inflatable ("little" being a 4ft wide x 6.5ft long x 4ft high) pool for my son...which he proceeded to bring many of his plastic dinosaurs into... the aforementioned dinos stayed outside for most of the fall and the winter and were brought back into the house this spring...where they sat...all dirty and moldy in a plastic bin by the back door...for him to look at every once in awhile and ask for...well, last night, I dumped them in the tub along with more than enough bleach to kill anything and scrubbed them...with a toothbrush...so, now he has his plastic dinosaurs back...hurrah. 2. someone who's never met me in person yet had chatted w/me in the past online decided to call me "fucking ugly"...but I get ahead of myself. He had wanted to start some sort of online "romance"... which I talked him out of, regardless of what he considered his sterling qualities (a "good dick and a good heart"). So, I thought that we were good...then, he started complaining about how he didn't like any of the women in Japan (he's in the military, stationed there), I reminded him that I was Asian, and he said that at least I spoke English. Anyhow, yesterday, he came online complaning about how he had been "used" for sex. I asked him if the sex had been good. He said that it had been. Then I asked him what he was complaining about. He started talking about how he had to drive two hours one way for 3 days for the sex. I still didn't get what he was complaining about. That's when he called me both an "idiot" and "dumb"...I took offense and told him he didn't have to be so rude and that I was just trying to find out where the problem was if the sex had been good...granted, I think I insulted his manhood or something when I asked if he had been a virgin before the sex. He answered with an emphatic "NO". So, I told him I was going to leave him alone, as he obviously was having issues w/women today and it wasn't my job to be his scapegoat. That's when he accused me of being like "her" and telling me that I was "fucking ugly" anyhow. It was rather interesting...and didn't hurt at all, only because I knew that he was obviously hurting...and I just told him that he needed to hash it out with her and not take it out on me. He didn't say anything more after that and I took him off my friends list. 3. "Well, isn't sex without love meaningless?". I had a chat w/Zaph about the fact that I had meaningless sex with someone that really sucked big boulders. He asked me the question above...and dammit, he's right. So, I've decided to stop...what exactly I'm still trying to figure out...I do know that I'm not going to be meeting any more people locally...or, so I say now. It's not worth it. Oh, hell... who knows...I might change my mind tomorrow...given the proper motiviation. 4. A friend's pilgrimage to Florida. It's being considered...and the thought both delights and terrifies me...for completely different reasons. The delighted part is obvious. There's so much about South Florida that I've love to show my friend (who shall remain nameless, even though the friend knows I'm talking about said friend) and people I'd love to introduce my friend to. But I am terrified for the simple reason that my husband will not like it at all...my husband is jealous...of anyone who takes away from the attention and love and affection that he thinks should belong to him and Petey exclusively. It's all wacky, I know... 5. The re-surfacing of David. That was a chapter of my life brought to an abrupt halt by the falling off the face of the planet by David...well, ran into him this weekend in a chat room. Have to see how that will turn out. He's someone I thought I loved. Okay, work day has begun...guess I should be going. |