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Can't help it...have to write this now... I just "walked away" from David... I just got off the phone with him... and I told him I had to walk away from him, from the relationship. He was pretty calm...said he wasn't mad and he wished me the best. Part of me wanted to try to explain why I thought it was best that I do the walking away now...the rest of me vetoed that part and I didn't try to explain...I just said goodbye and left it at that. I didn't try to explain how smug I'd become in my emotional aloofness... how happy I was that I could take an internal check of my emotions and say without reservation that I didn't feel anything profound in the "in love" category for anyone...and how his return into my life has thrown that off a bit. Mostly because when he left abruptly, I had unresolved feelings and basically no sense of closure... and, with each conversation we've had since he's been back, I was finding myself getting sucked into the idea of being emotionally involved with him...which is a stupid idea on my part for one thing. Plus, he's at a different point in his life...sowing wild oats and whatnot...and I truly want him to be happy and do that... but I cannot be a part of that...because the jealousy I have started to feel will only grow and fester and eventually ruin our friendship. So, that's it...I'm walking now...while it's still good between us. Those are the things I didn't explain to him... mostly because I couldn't find the words right then...and, I didn't want to cry while trying to explain... like I am now. Foolish, aren't I? So, now I'm going to rebuild the walls that separate my heart from my actions and remind myself that I'm better off this way. Someone wise told me once that I should never get a divorce just so I can go from one partner to another, or because I think I'm "in love" with someone else... rather, if I'm going to leave, it should be because I need to for myself. This is not to say that that would have been the case with David...he just happens to be the latest person I know I need to separate myself from before I get too emotionally attached. So, that's it...back to random phone sex and safe relationships where I know I'm not in danger of falling into anything...beyond possibly a bed...if the situation presented itself. I really should look into joining a convent...that might work for me... |