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I wish I could say something uplifting... about how I've had an epiphany and everything is going to be fine and we're all going to live happily ever after...but that doesn't appear to be the case. I've spent my entire day at work dreaming up worst case scenarios, researching how divorce works in Florida and basically being bitchy towards my co-workers because they all seem to be asking incredibly stupid questions today...then I have to go back and apologize...because that's the kind of person I am. I'm afraid, that's what it boils down to...and, for all my bravado and my smartassed responsiveness and my flippant attitude towards others... it all still boils down to fear...and how long I will hold in the pattern before something happens (i.e. he actually hits me) to motivate me. It's really weird...now he acts like nothing has happened...he holds his anger and allows it to boil, then I do something to trigger his anger and he goes off on me...and threatens me with an raised fist and reminds me just how small I am in comparison to him...it's pathetic, I know...yet, I stay, because I see how much he loves that which we created together, out of our own dna...but I'm just being a sentimental fool... thinking that my motherhood will be enough to protect me from any actual violence. I'm giving up playing...I cannot divide my energies anymore. I cannot pretend to be carefree and sensual when deep down all I seem to feel is hopelessness and a sense of impending loss. I don't want to drag anyone through my chaos, it's such a downer. Thankfully, I believe I have true friends...people who have glimpsed the real me through countless conversation both on and offline and still have affection and respect for me regardless. There are so many things I wish I could have done differently...but such is the gift of hindsight...lol. I've turned down Don...much easier now that I've seen his photo...Zaph concurs that he looks much older than the 44 years he claims to be...must be an excess of sun...or too much hard living...or too much "servicing" of other women...not sure which. I think I will continue in my celibacy... cling to it as a badge of honor... and wait for the time when I can end it in a manner of my choosing with an individual I am honestly attracted to...rather than giving it up for an acceptable cock size...if that makes any sense at all. |